VENTiNG

Wow, way to tell me things now and not earlier...

Oggi é il... Tuesday?

Yay! I remembered a little bit of the Italian that I learned last year haha. Well, I guess only enough to start the sentence, "Today is..."

That totally reminds me, since it's been a while since I've talked about what's new with me... Remember that I came into UC Irvine as a Studio Art major? I decided mid-Winter that I think I wanted to change majors, in addition to adding an education minor. At the time, I thought that the best course of action was to investigate majors that would best benefit me in the long-run and in my endeavor of becoming a teacher. So I decided on a Public Health Sciences major. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. Maybe it was the fact that I was so eager to get out of the Art program at UCI (for my various reasons, which include the fact that I would be paying thousands of dollars to get a degree that wouldn't necessarily set me up for a great job/career later in life, unless I was just THAT great of an artist...). I think that desire was also paired with the feelings of what I call, "academic inferiority." Not to blame Greg as the cause of this thinking of mine, but rather to just acknowledge his influence in my thinking/life, I felt that I wasn't academically "challenging" myself. I think I constantly felt bad about how much work Greg was doing for his education and that made me want to work harder for mine. So I decided that I'd pursue something harder, even with the full knowledge of my own academic capabilities and weaknesses (like in the areas of Math and Science). It was a really stupid decision, to say in the least, because I KNOW that I would probably hate myself for picking such a demanding major that I will more than likely struggle through...

Anyway, it was probably a week or two before Finals week that I ended being at UCI by myself. I mean "by myself" in the sense that Greg wasn't around to be by my side, like he always is when he's at school. It could be the other way too, now that I think of it... me latching myself onto him as soon as he's around. I need to work on that lol... too much dependence on another person and less personal space for that person. Anyway, before I get sidetracked... I was having lunch/dinner at Pippin all alone, just minding my own business and enjoying my pizza slice, when I suddenly noticed a white girl in the distance leaning backwards in her chair to get a good look at me. When her face came into focus, I noticed that it was Jessica, Niko's Drama friend. She waved at me and asked me if I'd like to join her. So I did, me being quite a lonely little girl at that point. I asked her (jokingly) if I looked lonely and sad enough that they (Jessica and two other girls) would take me under their wing and let me sit with them. They just laughed and said, "Nooo," and then proceeded to ask me about my finals. After making some small talk with them about finals, I remember one of the girls (whose name I just CANNOT remember, ugh) talking about her English major with an emphasis on Creative Writing. I was immediately intrigued. I mean, I did mention to the girls that I was interested in changing my major to Public Health Sciences and wanted that background in Science to benefit my endeavors in Education. The English major said, I'm sure, as a half-joke, "switch to English!" I kinda took that to heart though, and was seriously considering it. That girl sparked my interest in changing and I am SO grateful I was sitting alone that day in Pippin...

So, now I am switching my major to English! Isn't that exciting? I'm pretty freaking excited. I mean... English sort of comes easy to me, and I enjoy it very, very much. But it's going to be hard work. However, this will be the sort of hard work that I can probably thrive on and (in a sick sort of way) enjoy! As I've mentioned many times to others and to myself, I am very much so a right-brained sort of person. I enjoy the Arts and tend to do better in that area. So, why did I choose to go to a Sciences kind of major, I really don't know.

I'm just glad that I'm switching to something that I'll love!

I've also made it a point to blog more often and attempt to read more. Just for my own personal edification and to better prepare me for the road ahead of me in English and Writing...

jealousy

Jealousy seems to be getting the best of me.

I really can't help being jealous, or at least feeling the pang of jealousy whenever a situation of potential competition arrives. Why do I have this basic female instincts (it seems) to get all flared up about a boyfriend talking about another female other than myself, bringing up porn stories, or saying anything that sounds like "so-and-so has really pretty eyes" about another woman??? I HATE IT! What the fuuuuuck.

When a situation like that happens, I get all jealous and shit, and then act a bit angry and say/do something really stupid that conveys my moment of weakness and poor judgment and then finally feel stupid about getting jealous. And this all happens in a matter of minutes!

Is something wrong with me? How can I change myself so that I'm not driving away someone that I really, truly care about? And how does my boyfriend deal with this, if he can see that moment of jealousy flare up? It's amazing.

It's really amazing to see how ridiculous I can be. It's amazing how sorry I feel for myself right now.

stumbling is funnn

http://officeofstrategicinfluence.com/gates/
terrifying but absolutely beautiful images

I freakin' love stumbling.

Oh shit, I just blew away $200+ on running stuff and work clothes. GAH.

I reeeeally need a job...

Heyyy just trying this out! So I guess I can send messages from wherever I am? From my phone? Awesome sauce.

haircut and birds

Academia

Today I received the grade for my Asian American Psychology exam and well... I got another C. Again. First it was the Psych 9B exam, and now this! GAH. I really need to study more and study productively... and stop being too over confident of my knowledge for the tests.

When I texted Greg about it, I actually started to feel pathetic. I tend to slip into this mode a lot and it's scary. It's as if I turn into a whole other person and start to pity myself too much. Then I get all gloomy and start thinking pessimistically, and then I go even further to start comparing myself to other students (often Greg, then various other friends I have) and feel very very sorry for myself. But really what I should be doing is working on how I look at a situation I'm in. Greg did a good job of pointing out that "we fail so we can try harder next time." He's absolutely right. That's when I started to get a grip on my self-pitying emotion and drown out that static, and then I started to feel better.

It's a good thing that I have someone in my life who can help me with my problems, be it academic or personal.

And now I'm reviewing my notes from Psych this week, catching up on reading and making even more notes. I will proceed to shut off my computer and not open it until I'm done with the "Thinking" chapter in my book.

So, buona notte!

sweetness

Well, i haven't really posted in a while. Sorry. But things have been hectic with school... finally the chaos has died down and now life can be calm-ish for a while.

The other night i slept over at Greg's room and he did the sweetest thing. Just after his roommate turned the lights off, he climbed up into his bunk bed with me already in it and laid down on his side, facing me. I could barely make out his face but I knew he was looking at me longer than he normally does when it's bedtime. So I opened my eyes again (since I was trying to sleep) and looked back at him and asked, "Hey... what're you looking at?" And he blinked at me like he had to think about what he said and replied, as he extended a hand to brush my hair gently, "Are you going to be able to sleep?" He asked this because I have always had a problem falling asleep and staying asleep, and Greg knows this very well by now after having slept with me for a gazillion nights.

I said, "Of course I'll be able to. Will you? Please don't worry about me."

And he said something along the lines of, "But I want to make sure you get sleep." Then he proceeded to stroke my hair, over and over and over. I couldn't open my eyes after a while, it felt so soothing! He probably did this for a straight 10 minutes (or so I thought; either way, it was for a tiring time) and well... all the while, I thought about just how much he cared for me and how much he truly loved me. And how much I loved him!

He stroked my hair like my mom did for me. And that was such a beautiful time, being with my mom. I really wish she'd lived to meet this boy. He's something special.

silly, silly me

well, after having that talk with auntie i felt much better. it is affirmed that i had been very paranoid and shit... how could i doubt you, love?

i think i need to learn how to stop comparing myself to others, in all areas of intelligence and beauty. i am a unique piece of work and i'm also a mess... but somehow greg can love me for that. and i'm thankful for having him in my life.

now i go to sleep. sweet dreams...


p.s. congrats to cam for having given birth to a beautiful, young boy. even though i had to find out through fb, everyone understands that it's something that is going to be low-key news. i just can't imagine how much stress that's gonna be on everyone in the family...

godspeed camille.

ah yes, i'm being silly.

like auntie says, "everything works out, eventually."
so i'll stop worrying now.

uncertainties

i hope that i'm not making a big deal out of this, but honey... what was that last night??

did i drag you from where you wanted to be and desert you? i'm sorry that my sister had wanted company and wanted to relax after just getting laid-off by her work today.

i honestly hope that you were just as tired as you said you were last night, when i asked you if you were okay.


fuck. i'm being terribly paranoid about everything aren't i?

jumping right into it

you don't know me but that's okay.

i often wonder what life would be like without you...
would i be as loud?
would i understand another person as well as i do you?
would i love another like i love you?


the answer lies in the future, but i am afraid.
very afraid of failing in love,
afraid of fixing a broken heart and spirit...
and very afraid of finding another to replace you.

but how could i even think of "replacing" you?
i don't want our thing,
our relationship
connection
to be severed.
oh but we must face the facts
and be realistic!

if it did end,
what would we do?