sweetness

Well, i haven't really posted in a while. Sorry. But things have been hectic with school... finally the chaos has died down and now life can be calm-ish for a while.

The other night i slept over at Greg's room and he did the sweetest thing. Just after his roommate turned the lights off, he climbed up into his bunk bed with me already in it and laid down on his side, facing me. I could barely make out his face but I knew he was looking at me longer than he normally does when it's bedtime. So I opened my eyes again (since I was trying to sleep) and looked back at him and asked, "Hey... what're you looking at?" And he blinked at me like he had to think about what he said and replied, as he extended a hand to brush my hair gently, "Are you going to be able to sleep?" He asked this because I have always had a problem falling asleep and staying asleep, and Greg knows this very well by now after having slept with me for a gazillion nights.

I said, "Of course I'll be able to. Will you? Please don't worry about me."

And he said something along the lines of, "But I want to make sure you get sleep." Then he proceeded to stroke my hair, over and over and over. I couldn't open my eyes after a while, it felt so soothing! He probably did this for a straight 10 minutes (or so I thought; either way, it was for a tiring time) and well... all the while, I thought about just how much he cared for me and how much he truly loved me. And how much I loved him!

He stroked my hair like my mom did for me. And that was such a beautiful time, being with my mom. I really wish she'd lived to meet this boy. He's something special.

silly, silly me

well, after having that talk with auntie i felt much better. it is affirmed that i had been very paranoid and shit... how could i doubt you, love?

i think i need to learn how to stop comparing myself to others, in all areas of intelligence and beauty. i am a unique piece of work and i'm also a mess... but somehow greg can love me for that. and i'm thankful for having him in my life.

now i go to sleep. sweet dreams...


p.s. congrats to cam for having given birth to a beautiful, young boy. even though i had to find out through fb, everyone understands that it's something that is going to be low-key news. i just can't imagine how much stress that's gonna be on everyone in the family...

godspeed camille.

ah yes, i'm being silly.

like auntie says, "everything works out, eventually."
so i'll stop worrying now.

uncertainties

i hope that i'm not making a big deal out of this, but honey... what was that last night??

did i drag you from where you wanted to be and desert you? i'm sorry that my sister had wanted company and wanted to relax after just getting laid-off by her work today.

i honestly hope that you were just as tired as you said you were last night, when i asked you if you were okay.


fuck. i'm being terribly paranoid about everything aren't i?

jumping right into it

you don't know me but that's okay.

i often wonder what life would be like without you...
would i be as loud?
would i understand another person as well as i do you?
would i love another like i love you?


the answer lies in the future, but i am afraid.
very afraid of failing in love,
afraid of fixing a broken heart and spirit...
and very afraid of finding another to replace you.

but how could i even think of "replacing" you?
i don't want our thing,
our relationship
connection
to be severed.
oh but we must face the facts
and be realistic!

if it did end,
what would we do?